Six angel babies...

Some people know the whole story, some people know part of it and a lot know none of it. To say that this baby is a blessing doesn't do it justice, and this is why.

When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had it all planned out, we would get pregnant as soon as I was done breast feeding and have baby number three right away and be done. That was over 2 years ago, since then I have had five miscarriages (I also had one in between the girls, to make the 6). To say its been a struggle would be an understatement.

Two and a half years of heartbreak, loss of hope and questioning why. All of them were early, which was somewhat of a relief, but eventually you start to question everything. Am I not a good mom? Am I being punished for something and I just don't know it? Why? Why now? Why again? It's not something you can easily talk about...when someone says "hey, how's it going?" Responding with "oh, ya know, just having a miscarriage" doesn't seem appropriate.

People that did know would say "it's just not the right time" "you should take a break" "you have two healthy kids, maybe you should just count your blessings" None of these things were helpful (no offense), there is no description for the pain you feel knowing that a life was there and now isn't. I have friends that have lost their children, and I imagine that pain is much greater, but it's not a pain I know, so I can say for me, that this is the greatest pain I have ever felt and that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You can't help but plan from the moment you see that positive test, eventually you try not to, but when you lay in bed at night your mind wanders to what this baby looks like, and then you start to think about the rest of them, what did they look like, will I ever know? Were they boys or girls? Do they look like me or Matt or their sisters? I've come to believe that I will meet them one day and that they watch over me and that when I see them in heaven, I will know their faces and that my heart will be healed.

In the meantime, I know that when I hold this baby in my arms, it will all make sense, and that he or she will be absolutely perfect. I still live everyday wondering when it will end, I think it's natural after what I've been through, but I am weeks beyond where I have been before and everything is just as it should be, and the constant nausea is a reminder that my hormones are working overtime. I know that I have to get past the fear and accept that nothing is in my control anymore, and all I can do is stay healthy and pray, but it isn't easy.

Now, you are probably wondering, what was the problem...after two years of being told to just relax, after my last miscarriage, I took it upon myself to make an appointment with the fertility specialist. The first appointment was so reassuring, my cycles are longer then normal, therefore my egg quality isn't good enough and that is causing my miscarriages. Simple solution, take a few pills that help my eggs mature faster, have an ultrasound to measure them, if they are big enough, give myself a shot, and get pregnant. Sounds simple, right? After four months, I still wasn't pregnant And I was beginning to lose all hope, yet again. So, I took a month off, decided for sure to go back to graduate school, and...got pregnant. At first, I was very hesitant to get excited, but as usual, it's hard not too. I didn't have the treatment, which means that my egg shouldn't have been good enough, but, somehow this time, it was. Dr Karnitis does a "viability" ultrasound right at 32-33 days and there are three markers that you look for that predict viability up to 90%, they were all there, which was so reassuring, for about an hour. Then reality set in, I've had 5 miscarriages since Raegan, why would this be different? There is still a 10% chance, which is a pretty good amount, especially given my history. Second ultrasound was reassuring as well, but still just not enough for total peace of mind, same with the third. Today was ultrasound number 4 (one good thing about a history of miscarriages, it's easy to justify extras) and I thought ok, today is going to be the day that I get the peace of mind I need, and surprisingly I'm almost 100% positive that it's there.

So, moral of the story, if you know anyone that has suffered from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, feel free to share this if you think it would make them feel better that they aren't alone. If you are pregnant, don't take it for granted. I won't lie, I have complained about my constant morning sickness, but I constantly remind myself and say out loud along with the complaint, that I will take it, and I will struggle through, because it's a good thing and better them the alternative!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it's been 2 and a half years of suppressed feelings that very few know about and it feels good to share.

How I always want to remember them...

Bathtime...what's that?

With all the long hot days and the sun not going down until way after bedtime, I often find myself pondering when the girls last had a bath. Apparently we have fallen into that category of "those parents" who let the kids spend the day in the pool and consider them clean enough at the end of the day. Some people might judge, but I just think, really they are clean enough, at least it's a pool and not a pond or something. I just hope that years from now they remember all the fun they had and forgive us if they end up with dread locks!

Vacation!

For mom and dad that is! First time really away from the girls for more 2 nights since Raegan was born. It appears as though Rae doesn't really know the difference, but Addie is a different story. Lately she has been going through this "I miss mom bad dad all the time" phase. Dropping her off for work, she cries, every night before bed, she cries that she never sees us, which is completely ridiculous...but try and tell a 5 year old that. One day she actually told me that she didn't see us enough because she was too busy playing with her friends. I told her that she would cry if I didn't let her play with her friends, so what am I supposed to do? She didn't have an answer. Shocking. I know she will get through this, but I had to give her a picture of us to keep with her for the weekend so that we would always be with her...she was crying while looking at it when we left, perhaps I should consider drama classes for her! I'm sure she will have lots of fun this weekend aaa she always seems to when we aren't around, at least I hope so!

Totally off subject, but in the last two weeks Raegan has become quite the talker! she repeats almost everything that Addie says, and is starting to put words together more all by herself. She also spent a couple nights in the lower bunk in Addie's room and she ventured out in the pool by herself a bit, always holding on to the ledge, but she finally left the stairs! Her personality is hilarious and I love watching her grow, but selfishly, I wish she would just stay little forever!

The things kids say...

The other day we were swimming in the pool (Addie swimming, me sitting in a lounge chair).  She has always been one to retain lots of information, especially when it comes to any commercial that appeals to her.  This is what she tells me, "mommy, there is this really cool mermaid Dora that can swim and it comes with a really cool mermaid tail for big girls to wear, and then I can be a swimming mermaid in the pool....and, Mommy, it's available at Target."  To say that she cracks me up would be an understatement. 

Then there is Raegan, over the last month she has really started talking more and putting more words together for sentences.  I have been trying really hard to get her to say her name...this is how it goes. Me: "Raegan, say my name" Raegan: "my name" Me: "is" Raegan:  "issss" Me:  "Raegan"  Raegan:  "yaaa" (which is her version of yes) at least she agrees that it's her name.  No matter how many times we go through it, it's the same every time, however, I can sometimes get her to say Raegan, but it doesn't really sound very much like "raegan".  Oh well, we will get there.  She suprised me yesterday by picking up a blue marker and saying blue, but then she continued to pick up every other color and say blue as well, so its hard to say if it was a lucky guess, or if she really knew what she was talking about.  Knowing her, she probably knows all her colors, but just isn't telling us.  She has also been imitating Addie's counting, she will cover her eyes as if playing hide and seek and clearly says "8, 9, 10"  followed by her version of "ready or not, here I come."  However, she of course will not do any of these things for the camera. 

Her favorite words and phrases are "Eat" "I don't know" "I want to see" and "Ya, I do."  She must be going through a growth spurt, because there are many days that it seems like all she wants to do is eat.  When I pick her up after work and ask her what she did at Busia's her answer is always "eat." When we get up in the morning, after her run through of asking about Daddy, Addie, Lucy and Harley, it's always "eat."  And, usually she eats better then Addie does, however she is still a little skinny minnie. 

Addie has 3 more days of preschool left, I can't believe she is going to be a kindergartner.  I will be very thankful for not having to drive her up to Toledo for school anymore, especially on my days off, but it still just doesn''t seem possible.  She has her screening next week and then we will find out what schedule she is on, I am hoping that her and her little bff Austin from next door are on the same schedule so that they can ride the bus together, they would both love that!  It will be weird having her gone all day for school, as much as I wasn't thrilled about Anthony Wayne's every other day kindergarten, I think that it will be a nice transition before she is gone all day everyday...more so for me, she is so ready for school, she hates leaving preschool and asks to stay almost everyday, so I know she can handle it, I just don't know if I can!!

Growing up too fast...

So, today in the car Addie asks me if she can get a motorcycle when she turns 14. I of course said no, then she asks, "well, can I ride on the back of one with a boy when I'm 14?" My reply "absolutely not!" So, then she asks "mommy, who do you think my husband is gonna be?" I told her that she has a lot of time to figure that out. Seriously, where does she come up with this stuff?!

Sorry

Today Rae was eating beefaroni for lunch, she was dressed in a nicer outfit because we were supposed to be going to a birthday paty.  I had put a bib on her (which she absolutely hates) and she had taken it off while I was turned around.  When I turned to look at her, she had of course spilled food all over her shirt, I raised my voice at her, and she out her head down and said "sorry Mama" It is the first time she has said sorry without being told to say sorry.  It was so sweet, like I said, she makes my heart melt!