Six angel babies...

Some people know the whole story, some people know part of it and a lot know none of it. To say that this baby is a blessing doesn't do it justice, and this is why.

When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had it all planned out, we would get pregnant as soon as I was done breast feeding and have baby number three right away and be done. That was over 2 years ago, since then I have had five miscarriages (I also had one in between the girls, to make the 6). To say its been a struggle would be an understatement.

Two and a half years of heartbreak, loss of hope and questioning why. All of them were early, which was somewhat of a relief, but eventually you start to question everything. Am I not a good mom? Am I being punished for something and I just don't know it? Why? Why now? Why again? It's not something you can easily talk about...when someone says "hey, how's it going?" Responding with "oh, ya know, just having a miscarriage" doesn't seem appropriate.

People that did know would say "it's just not the right time" "you should take a break" "you have two healthy kids, maybe you should just count your blessings" None of these things were helpful (no offense), there is no description for the pain you feel knowing that a life was there and now isn't. I have friends that have lost their children, and I imagine that pain is much greater, but it's not a pain I know, so I can say for me, that this is the greatest pain I have ever felt and that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You can't help but plan from the moment you see that positive test, eventually you try not to, but when you lay in bed at night your mind wanders to what this baby looks like, and then you start to think about the rest of them, what did they look like, will I ever know? Were they boys or girls? Do they look like me or Matt or their sisters? I've come to believe that I will meet them one day and that they watch over me and that when I see them in heaven, I will know their faces and that my heart will be healed.

In the meantime, I know that when I hold this baby in my arms, it will all make sense, and that he or she will be absolutely perfect. I still live everyday wondering when it will end, I think it's natural after what I've been through, but I am weeks beyond where I have been before and everything is just as it should be, and the constant nausea is a reminder that my hormones are working overtime. I know that I have to get past the fear and accept that nothing is in my control anymore, and all I can do is stay healthy and pray, but it isn't easy.

Now, you are probably wondering, what was the problem...after two years of being told to just relax, after my last miscarriage, I took it upon myself to make an appointment with the fertility specialist. The first appointment was so reassuring, my cycles are longer then normal, therefore my egg quality isn't good enough and that is causing my miscarriages. Simple solution, take a few pills that help my eggs mature faster, have an ultrasound to measure them, if they are big enough, give myself a shot, and get pregnant. Sounds simple, right? After four months, I still wasn't pregnant And I was beginning to lose all hope, yet again. So, I took a month off, decided for sure to go back to graduate school, and...got pregnant. At first, I was very hesitant to get excited, but as usual, it's hard not too. I didn't have the treatment, which means that my egg shouldn't have been good enough, but, somehow this time, it was. Dr Karnitis does a "viability" ultrasound right at 32-33 days and there are three markers that you look for that predict viability up to 90%, they were all there, which was so reassuring, for about an hour. Then reality set in, I've had 5 miscarriages since Raegan, why would this be different? There is still a 10% chance, which is a pretty good amount, especially given my history. Second ultrasound was reassuring as well, but still just not enough for total peace of mind, same with the third. Today was ultrasound number 4 (one good thing about a history of miscarriages, it's easy to justify extras) and I thought ok, today is going to be the day that I get the peace of mind I need, and surprisingly I'm almost 100% positive that it's there.

So, moral of the story, if you know anyone that has suffered from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, feel free to share this if you think it would make them feel better that they aren't alone. If you are pregnant, don't take it for granted. I won't lie, I have complained about my constant morning sickness, but I constantly remind myself and say out loud along with the complaint, that I will take it, and I will struggle through, because it's a good thing and better them the alternative!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it's been 2 and a half years of suppressed feelings that very few know about and it feels good to share.