And Baby Makes 5...

It's hard to believe that it was just over a week ago that we packed up our bags and headed to the hospital...yet here we are, home and settled and it is as if we have always been outnumbered. Tessa Irene Beil joined us on 11-12-13 at 9:53 am (the day daddy wanted all along) after 18 hours of labor. Weighing in at 7 lbs 9 oz and 19 inches...she is our shortest and fattest baby :) and she is absolutely perfect. Big sister Addison was there for the whole thing and got to cut the umbilical cord, I love that she will have that memory forever. However, I was a little worried I might get phone calls from parents at school complaining that she explained the miracle of birth to them. So far, so good, no calls have come in. 

The adjustment to three kids has been wonderful. Tessa sleeps and eats, hardly cries and is very easy going. Addison has stepped up as a great helper (as I knew she would), hardly complaining about being asked to do extra things. She loves to hold her new sister and sing songs to her when she fusses. She has also instructed me more then once that when Tess cries I need to bounce her and sing to her and she will stop...she is such a little mommy. 

Raegan has adjusted better then I expected. She is a full fledged mama's girl, and I worried that she would start to resent me and/or her new sister, however so far, she is doing great. She loves to hold Tess and give her kisses. She loves to give her the little musical toys she has, and I'll often catch her from the other room talking to Tess while she is in her bouncy seat and making sure she has her toy, she always gives her a kiss before she walks away. It is the sweetest thing. Yesterday, she also informed me that Tessa likes her sleepers zipped but not buttoned at the top, she insists that it be left undone. She will be home 3 days a week with me while I'm off and she has become my number one diaper fetcher, she likes to pick out the pretty ones (we are using cloth). 

Daddy is completely in love, and hates that he has to go to work everyday...he can't wait to get his snuggle time as soon as he gets home. 

And as for me, well, I'm at peace and feel like everything makes sense. She has only been here a week, but it feels like she has always been here, she is the perfect addition to complete our family. I'm glad that I didn't give up on having her because I couldn't imagine my life without her. 

She loves me, she loves me not...

They love each other right?

It looks that way sometimes and I know they do...and I know they will be best friends when they are older (mainly because I tell them everyday that they have to be) but days like today make me wonder....

We were all set to go swimming, other then actually putting on our swimsuits, I told Addie to go put hers on, and then asked her to help Raegan while I cleaned up from dinner. Simple, right? Next thing you know, I hear Rae screaming and Addie tells me "well, I just had to punch her". What?! You just had to do what? And yes, she punched her, right in the crotch, because she wasn't listening. I've been trying really hard not to yell lately, but you better believe I just about lost it. After discussing it, and Addie apologizing to Raegan, she was sent to bed for the night, no books, no iPod, straight to bed by herself at 630. She screamed, she cried, we talked it out once more and the reason of discipline was reexplained, etc,etc. Back to bed. Ten minutes later, Raegan asks if she can go upstairs and play with Addie, I told her no, that sissy made a bad choice when she hit you and she is in trouble. Her face was priceless, it was as if she was being punished just as much...That's the love of a sister. 

Six angel babies...

Some people know the whole story, some people know part of it and a lot know none of it. To say that this baby is a blessing doesn't do it justice, and this is why.

When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had it all planned out, we would get pregnant as soon as I was done breast feeding and have baby number three right away and be done. That was over 2 years ago, since then I have had five miscarriages (I also had one in between the girls, to make the 6). To say its been a struggle would be an understatement.

Two and a half years of heartbreak, loss of hope and questioning why. All of them were early, which was somewhat of a relief, but eventually you start to question everything. Am I not a good mom? Am I being punished for something and I just don't know it? Why? Why now? Why again? It's not something you can easily talk about...when someone says "hey, how's it going?" Responding with "oh, ya know, just having a miscarriage" doesn't seem appropriate.

People that did know would say "it's just not the right time" "you should take a break" "you have two healthy kids, maybe you should just count your blessings" None of these things were helpful (no offense), there is no description for the pain you feel knowing that a life was there and now isn't. I have friends that have lost their children, and I imagine that pain is much greater, but it's not a pain I know, so I can say for me, that this is the greatest pain I have ever felt and that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You can't help but plan from the moment you see that positive test, eventually you try not to, but when you lay in bed at night your mind wanders to what this baby looks like, and then you start to think about the rest of them, what did they look like, will I ever know? Were they boys or girls? Do they look like me or Matt or their sisters? I've come to believe that I will meet them one day and that they watch over me and that when I see them in heaven, I will know their faces and that my heart will be healed.

In the meantime, I know that when I hold this baby in my arms, it will all make sense, and that he or she will be absolutely perfect. I still live everyday wondering when it will end, I think it's natural after what I've been through, but I am weeks beyond where I have been before and everything is just as it should be, and the constant nausea is a reminder that my hormones are working overtime. I know that I have to get past the fear and accept that nothing is in my control anymore, and all I can do is stay healthy and pray, but it isn't easy.

Now, you are probably wondering, what was the problem...after two years of being told to just relax, after my last miscarriage, I took it upon myself to make an appointment with the fertility specialist. The first appointment was so reassuring, my cycles are longer then normal, therefore my egg quality isn't good enough and that is causing my miscarriages. Simple solution, take a few pills that help my eggs mature faster, have an ultrasound to measure them, if they are big enough, give myself a shot, and get pregnant. Sounds simple, right? After four months, I still wasn't pregnant And I was beginning to lose all hope, yet again. So, I took a month off, decided for sure to go back to graduate school, and...got pregnant. At first, I was very hesitant to get excited, but as usual, it's hard not too. I didn't have the treatment, which means that my egg shouldn't have been good enough, but, somehow this time, it was. Dr Karnitis does a "viability" ultrasound right at 32-33 days and there are three markers that you look for that predict viability up to 90%, they were all there, which was so reassuring, for about an hour. Then reality set in, I've had 5 miscarriages since Raegan, why would this be different? There is still a 10% chance, which is a pretty good amount, especially given my history. Second ultrasound was reassuring as well, but still just not enough for total peace of mind, same with the third. Today was ultrasound number 4 (one good thing about a history of miscarriages, it's easy to justify extras) and I thought ok, today is going to be the day that I get the peace of mind I need, and surprisingly I'm almost 100% positive that it's there.

So, moral of the story, if you know anyone that has suffered from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, feel free to share this if you think it would make them feel better that they aren't alone. If you are pregnant, don't take it for granted. I won't lie, I have complained about my constant morning sickness, but I constantly remind myself and say out loud along with the complaint, that I will take it, and I will struggle through, because it's a good thing and better them the alternative!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it's been 2 and a half years of suppressed feelings that very few know about and it feels good to share.